You Know, Knew and Have Known.

 Even before I even knew that I would be on this path and sitting in this room, you have been with me. You have known. You have known from the day I started Kindegarten that today would be the day. You have known what the testing center would look like and by whom I would sit.   You have known the topics. You have ordered the questions.   You know the people that wrote them and you already know who will grade my answers. You know where I will struggle, where my confidence will be good and when I will tire. You have worked out the details.  You have directed my steps.  In each hour  of studying, in each class that I have taken, in each and every moment of each and every day, you have had a plan that is good for me.  You have encouraged me through my husband's vocal prayers over me.  You gave him the words to speak that would most touch my heart.  You encouraged me through messages from my mom, and from his. You provided a friend who has been through this very thing to offer support and others with whom I have commiserated and learned much in the last six weeks. You have been with me and made yourself known continually during this period of concentrated preparation. I believe I am prepared for what I will see, because you were with me as I divided my time. You directed my steps. I think on the words, Your Word, that is tucked away in my heart: Your burden is easy, your yoke is light.  You are an anchor for my soul.  You are a calm in this storm. You rejoice over me, even today, with singing from the heavens. You quiet me now. In this very moment and in this very room. You are delighted in me.
You are mighty and so much more powerful than all my earthly fears and doubts. You are with me, Lord God: today and unto the end of the age. With joy and love, peace and singing, I'm here. And I thank you that I'm writing, 

The Irritants Have Taken Residence.

So, not only am I losing my mind, but the littlest tiniest things are starting to bother me: See e.g.:  1. There are a LOT of walkers in our neighborhood. No problem. Except when its mom’s walking on the wrong side of the street with their strollers. Ride with. Walk against. Isn’t that the rule? 2. It is very hot in our house. Hot, sticky. Blah. But when I head out to air conditioned buildings they are overcompensating and I get so cold that I can’t feel my nose and it starts running. The temperature variations between my house, most places, and outside could make any normal person sick. How much easier this could happen to me and my tired compromised immune system!  3. If I get sick, I will plan on losing my mind and crying and whining and generally not trying to be pleasant. But I’m not going to get sick. I CAN’T get sick right now. 4. Friend’s status messages on gmail chat about the impending test. Duh. We all KNOW. And if someone doesn’t know you have a HUGE test coming up in your life and they start chatting with you, perhaps you should not even have them on your dang chat list. At least I’m not on facebook though, with almost everyone else in my class. 5. I do not want random texts from random people asking me to do things for them right now. I don’t care if you want my study materials from the last few years of school. You KNOW I have a test coming up. Ask me the day after and I might consider sending them to you. For asking now, I’m considering destroying the materials in a large fire and having s’mores to celebrate. 6. Random chatters in the Coffee Shop acting like they are the smartest people in the world. This always bothers me when I’m studying (actually, even when I am not) but really. You are NOT the smartest people in the world and your ideas are not new. Read Ecclesiastes.  7. Handsome made lunch plans with a friend. WHAT?! He thought I would be studying?! Hello, break down, this is Katie!( It is not his fault he had plans with a friend the ONE day that I actually want to get lunch together and the one day that I need emotional support). **************** Ha. So that is my list. I generally want to be upbeat and positive, but I thought this might be sort of amusing. In spite of these negative, minor irritations, I have to say I have gotten a lot of good encouragement too. Nice calming phone call from a friend. An short but positive encounter from another. Thoughtful encouraging texts from my mom. A surprise visit and much needed hug at the library from my man. Sweet continual reminders from the Lord in His Word that he has a plan and I need to trust him with this situation.  Just a matter of hours left. The countdown begins. This too shall pass.
 I'm here. And I'm (surprisingly) still writing.

Signs I'm Losing My Mind.

Generally, I think before I act. I think before I speak. I think about what I'm wearing before I leave the house. I think about what needs to be done before I do it. And there are many things I do automatically. But lately. Certain things, even automatic things, seem to evade me. For instance(s): I keep forgetting to put on my seatbelt until I'm already driving. I will make a glass of ice water, leave them, remember I'm thirsty, and make a new glass of ice water. I have tried to put my contacts in after they already are in.  I look for my phone, keys, sunglasses, when they are in my hand. I start emails (and blogposts) and then forget what I was writing about. I buy fruit, put it in the refrigerator, and then not even three days later buy more of the same fruit, because I forget we have some until I get home and open the fruit drawer in the refrigerator.   I put on shorts in the a.m. that are probably only acceptable for sixteen year olds, Saturdays, or house painting, gather my belongings and head to school. Later realizing that what I am wearing, is probably not acceptable for public wear. and. I lose paperwork that I just wrote on. But even though I'm struggling through these silly life things, I think its okay. Because I think my brain is absorbing the other material that I need to learn for my test. I think about the different problems I might see and the definitions of things I need to learn. I am thinking on topics and strategies continually throughout the day. And in about two weeks, I'll hopefully return to normal functions after having passed my exam.  And at that point, it won't matter that I drove to the drug store, walked into the building and realized I probably meant to go to the post office or that I forgot to add soap to a load of laundry. Oops. Shhhh. Don't tell Handsome.  I'm here. And I'm still writing,  

Love Realized In The Drivethrough.

The sun was shining and it was a Sunday and that is when I decided it would be a good time for a fight. I don’t know that I made the decision consciously actually, but I decided it somehow or another.

He had been a little edgy all day. Something about a conference coming up, a lot of changes to implement at work the next few weeks, not nearly enough time on the golf course, and some continuing pain in his neck (that actually wasn’t me). It wouldn’t be difficult to push a little and get a reaction.

So I made my approach while he was writing an email, always the best time to begin a big discussion.

Hurtful words. Raised voices. And a bit of aggravation, but no satisfaction, in my heart.

We took a time out. Just like parents do with children, a moment of separation, of head-clearing, a time for reflection. I quickly realized the error of my ways in the provocation, he quickly realized how he didn’t intend to become so quickly frustrated, and we apologized. We forgave. We moved forward.

I’m not sure what I had set out to do, because who really, actually, wants to start a fight on a Sunday afternoon? I think the lack of anything but books (and not the dramatic, captivating kind) had driven me to push and prod. I think I sort of wanted to have a bit of actual drama. So at least I could feel something other than a tired brain. And like something other than this test matters.

We kissed and hugged and he headed out to meet a friend.

I got in the car. Turned on the keys and started in the direction of my usual caffeine fix. Soy latte. Iced. Because it’s all the better for studying. And after my unsuccessful start to the afternoon, I knew it was time I got myself into action.

We had already reconciled. Peace was with us. But something struck me as I drove.

He can yell. He can fight back when I provoke. He can ignore me and never again take out the trash. He can hurt my feelings. Or he can buy me a “just because” gift on Saturday and cook me dinner so I can study. He can write me the sweetest card I have ever read as encouragement to me to keep pressing on.

But not one bit of it affects how much I love him. I love him when I’m mad. I love him when I’m sad. I love him if he hurts my feelings or doesn’t speak in gentleness. I love him when he is angry. I love him when he struggles.I love him when we watch movies in our pajamas. I love him when he holds my hand in church. I love him every single moment of every single day. What he does, has no effect on my love for him.

And then it hit me. In a bigger way than I think I have ever really grabbed onto before. God loves me so much more than that. Right there in the drivethrough at the coffee shop with a sliver Toyota Tundra and a tatoo'ed man in front of me. He loves me when I read my Bible. He loves me when I act as a loving wife. He loves me when I honor my parents. He loves me when I call out to him in desperation. He loves me when I speak angrily towards others. He loves me when my life does less than bring glory to his name. He has loved me through each and every moment of my being. He loved me even when I was not redeemed.

Oh how thankful I am, Father, that you gave me such a great understanding of your love for me today. For loving me through all the breaths of my life. And thank you for marriage. For love, for forgiveness, for a picture of you in this daily living.

I'm here. And I'm still writing,

Listed Thoughts.

Grilled cheese and sliced avocado = delish. Missing Handsome's softball game to study = sadness.  Loud talkers during pedi = dang it.  Days before test decreasing = anxiety. Idea of vacation = bliss. Waiting on news = trust. Trusting the Lord's plan = peace.  Memories of a day spent spray painting the youth basement = fondness. Breakfast with my favorite person = joy. Friends to study with = thanksgiving.  Finishing and beginning a new chapter = life. 

Good Choices.

Waking up before the world starts.

 

Tennis Shoes, a long sleeved tissue tea, and a pair of shorts.

An early morning walk near a quiet wilderness area by my house. 

A stop at the little cafe by school to fill up at their "oatmeal" buffet bar and a soy latte.

Blueberries, granola, fresh non-instant oats, and slivers of almonds.

A fresh perspective and a bit of concentration.

A productive and encouraging day for studies.

Isn't it amazing how just starting with one good choice in the morning can lead to more good choices throughout the day...

I'm here. And I'm still writing,

When Do Ostrich Bury Their Head in the Sand?

Well.

So much for that plan.

I'm tired.

I'm busy. 

I'm stressed. 

Adding one more thing, one more expectation on myself right now is doing the opposite of what I thought it would. 

Instead of feeling like I can blog a couple of times as mental relief, I have been feeling that a schedule (at this time) is just not feasible for me. 

My creativity hits a complete Berlin-type wall whenever I open a blank post page.

Nothing gets out of my brain. Actually all thoughts just disappear but not to any place where I can find them. Or make sense of them.

What is funny though is that at moments, I'm enjoying this period. This studying. Maybe because it could very well be the last time I study ever. And likely will be the last time I study intensely for at least seven or eight months.  Because, you know, I might want to go back to school or something.

I have been taking photos though and have good ideas for accompanying posts (or maybe the other way around). But... I haven't uploaded. 

And I have asked a couple of people (non-bloggers who read my blog) to write some friendly, compelling, comment (and thought) provoking posts... but no one has yet complied with my simple little request.

Perhaps, YOU want to? Okay good at least something will be going up. Thanks for volunteering blog readers.

 
So I guess that sort of makes me a lame blogger. And I really don't like writing these posts that are full of excuses. I'd rather write a post asking you for questions (so I could reply to them, because I have always wanted to do that) but then I get nervous that you don't want to participate. Or I could write a post about how I'm living healthy but I have a photo I want to show you for that. And then I could sum up our past weekend (before we hit another one) and share my experiment with the fireworks scene setting on our camera, but once again, photos are not uploaded.

So instead I complain. And whine. And make excuses for blogging lameness.

Because that is sooo much easier than uploading photos, right?

Anyway. I'm here. And I'm not really writing, but I hope to be soon. Though, it won't be on a schedule. Forget I ever said anything about that. 

 

 

Oh, and in case you are interested: I feel like burying my head in the sand out of blogging shame. LIke I should just shut down the operation, except that I know this period, too, shall pass and then I'd be sad. But in naming the post, I wondered to myself if Ostrich do bury their head in the sane and WHY they would do such a thing. And I was delighted to find this lovely website that contains a wealth of information on the flightless bird. Yahoo! Kids. Who knew?

 

The Month And Days Ahead.

Hi for real today. I am coming to you from the comfort of my parents house again. Good times in my opinion. Handsome and I will be celebrating the holiday weekend by getting in the pool, studying for one of us, golf ing for the other, and good food eaten by us both I hope!!

My posting plan for the month of July is to shoot for three times a week. Once on Monday. Once on Wednesday. Once on Friday. I have to establish some blogging boundaries for myself so that I will primarily spend my time studying and not so much dreaming up posts. I think by setting myself out there like this I will not feel pressure to blog but also so I won't go overboard either.

I would appreciate your prayers for my studying periods: that I will concentrate well, retain information, and set myself up to pass. As soon as I get through this period of studying my blogging about studying will cease. And that is a promise you can take to the bank for at least one semester.

so now that we are in the same page, I'll be seeing you Monday. Have a lovely holiday celebrating our freedom, reflecting on those families who have sacrificed family time for it, and thanking the Lord for the blessing we have in being able to freely worship him as

Americans.

I'm here. And I'm still writing,

A Moment of Silence.

Thoughts. And Prayers.